the paradigm of normal
by slytherinsal
Summary: Very whimsical and written tongue-in-cheek. This explores why Vernon and Petunia were so fanatical about being normal, and involves HM Government's magical division


**The paradigm of normal**

Little Whingeing in Surrey was a very ordinary, normal town. Privet Drive was about the most normal, ordinary street you could imagine in that town. And Number 4 Privet Drive was about the most normal house, with a manicured front lawn, bedding plants, BMW car and occupied by a very ordinary man and woman who had not yet managed their 2.4 children of the average, but had got 1.4 in the person of their son, Dudley, who had glandular problems, the only abnormal thing about such a normal family.

When Petunia found a baby on the doorstep, with a letter from Albus Dumbledore, she was furious, and woke her husband.

"I'll have to call Sir Humphrey," said Vernon, and made his way to the telephone. Soon he was connected, and asked, "Sir Humphrey Finch-Fletchley, please. Yes, I'll wait."

Vernon and Petunia were carefully normal for a very good reason. They were members of MI5, and Vernon travelled all over the country undertaking counter-insurgency work for Grunnings Drills, a company which actually manufactured things for Q division. Vernon's realistic fat-suit carried a huge number of gadgets.

"Dursley, what is so important you called me this early?" Finch-Fletchley's voice quacked on the other end of the line.

"You're the liason for FB division, aren't you?" said Vernon. FB stood for Funny Business.

"What do you know about FB?" asked Finch-Fletchley.

"Pet's parents adopted a second girl who was one of Them," said Vernon. "The Chief Meddler has just dropped Lily Potter's son on our doorstep and he says there are blood wards. How can there be blood wards when Lily was adopted?"

"Not on the phone, my dear chap," said Finch-Fletchley. "I'll be over with a team in about an hour."

"Thank you, sir."

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Sir Humphrey read the letter after one of his team had waved a wand over it, and cast a few spells.

"Looks like there was a compulsion charm on that," said Sir Humphrey. "Linda, go round the house and check for anything untoward,"

"Sir," said the witch.

"I wish Daddy had never let the FB office talk him into taking Lily, even if it was to preserve the line of some founder or other," said Petunia, bitterly. "She was a lovely little girl until all that ... stuff... manifested, but then we had no peace from other ... types."

"As there are no working blood wards, whatever Dumbledore thinks he has done, we shall be able to just move the anchor stones somewhere we can keep a watch on them," said Sir Humphrey. "The preliminary report suggests that they are also going to prevent you from having any more children, and increasing your anger levels, and aiming the anger towards young Harry. Why on earth would the Chief Meddler want the child of the saviours of their world placed in an abusive environment?"

"I wouldn't abuse the boy, Sir Humphrey!" Vernon was shocked.

"Of course you wouldn't, but for the magic prompting you to do so," said Sir Humphrey. "And how that would impact your innocent son would be to make him extremely violent towards his cousin, and to eat for comfort because part of him would be screaming inside about being manipulated. That's why we're moving the wards. If they have any wards."

"They have notice-me-not charms for wizards and wards against the dark mark," said Linda, coming back into the room. "Which is why you had to pull me over the threshold. No additional aversion charms in the house, but there was a compulsion charm to put the boy in the cupboard under the stairs."

"He might have built another Tom Riddle with that," said Sir Humphrey in disgust. "Indeed, I've got a shrewd idea he made Tom Riddle what he was in the first place by arranging to have him abused in that orphanage. I wonder whether it was to temper him as a better tool, or to make another dark wizard to overcome when people were forgetting about Grindelwald?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," said Vernon.

"Nor would most wizards," said Sir Humphrey, dryly. "The Chief Meddler forgets that muggles have as great a range of intellect as wizards and different, but no less effective, resources. I've got almost enough now to indict him as a dark wizard to the Queen. It's a shame Riddle split his soul or we might have been able to negotiate. And he left one fragment in the baby, but the royal goblin guard will deal with that. I'm told that there's a 90% chance my son will inherit the magic some of my family has, so I'll adopt Harry, and he can be a brother for Justin."

"Thank you, Sir Humphrey," said Vernon. "I'd not wish harm on him, but I've seen how upset Pet got over her sister being magical, and her parents being mesmerised by that, and I don't want Dudley to go through that."

"Quite understood," said Sir Humphrey. "Even without the negative effects of the so-called wards, it would be very difficult. As he was born on the same day as Justin, they can grow up as twins."

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The queen called Albus Dumbledore to account for his actions, and he refused to come. As a result, the Finch-Fletchley boys were asked, when they went to Hogwarts, to go to speak to the headmaster and pass him a letter.

The headmaster never took a letter from an owl without checking it for magic. He was not expecting two sweet little Hufflepuffs to give him a portkey to a holding room where he was guarded by the Queen's Own Goblin Guard. Their halberds were not ceremonial.

The Finch-Fletchley twins would never dream of going into a corridor that was forbidden, so nobody ever discovered Quirrell, held enraptured until he died, before the Mirror of Erised, though after the end of the year, Hagrid removed Fluffy, as it was cruel to keep him confined.

 **finis**


End file.
